After two full days of searching and a lot of praying, Anthony and I signed a lease!  Being military, he only has ten days to find a place for us to live for the next few years, so this past week him and I drove all around Fort Collins and exhausted every rental agency as well as craigslist.  The first day was really discouraging as anything in our budget was laughable.  We had a good time laughing about how run down some of the places were, but at the same time we felt anxious about finding a home.  The second day shed much more light though as we found a place that had every single thing on our checklist and more.  God was extremely faithful with providing and literally two hours after we applied for the home we received a call saying it was ours.  I think the most excitement comes from being able to see ourselves in this home.  As soon as I saw it, I turned to Anthony and said, "Ok picture this..." We were easily able to picture ourselves living in this place and it really reflects a lot of our personalities.  Anyways, pictures to come as we make it our own, but for a preview, here is one of the rooms that sold it for me :)

The picture of the floor doesn't do it justice,
but it was a huge part of the decision.  We didn't want carpet
and this tile reminds us both of being somewhere near the ocean.
Plus I could totally picture myself pouring a cup of coffee
in this kitchen! :)

Please keep us in your prayers as we begin moving our stuff in Wednesday!

Summer Bungalow.

Until the moving into our new house...

DIY Centerpieces.

I get inspiration in these random spurts.  For example, tonight I was exhausted and cancelled a girls night to come home and sleep.  Before crawling in bed, I decided to look online for a couple ideas for reception centerpieces.  I came across a picture of fabric flowers that I really liked and now, almost three hours later, I am writing a blog and staring at my new sample centerpiece.  Here is a rough example of what I think I am going to go with:

I used pinto beans as an example for what will be
coffee beans in the final product.

The lace jar will have a tea light candle inside.

My grandma says you always decorate in odd numbers
so I added a little card with a C.S. Lewis quote since
we won't be having assigned seating or table numbers.

Behind the Scenes of a Restaurant

Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, I have worked at our local steakouse: Texas Roadhouse.  I started as a hostess and then moved up to server.  Now, when I come home from college over Christmas or in the summer, I always get put back on the schedule.  I love my job though.  Yes, you get some grumpy tables who leave horrible tips, but you also get great tables who actually leave twenty percent or more.  The job never ceases to surprise you or keep you entertained and, to be honest, I would way rather be payed daily then take home a check every two weeks.

Last night I had an experience that I will honestly remember for the rest of my life and I get really emotional just thinking about it.  I have been back for about a week now and last night was my first Saturday night shift ( these typically run seven hours and are extremely busy).  Early on in the evening I greeted a table that consisted of two men and two women in their mid fifties.  It looked like they could have all been related, brothers with their wives possibly.  The different part about this table though, was that one of the men was deaf.  Without any knowledge of sign language, I struggled trying to take his order and just stood trying to speak slowly and watch what he was trying to make out.  I don't believe his disability had been life long because no one at the table seemed to know sign language and so we all worked together to figure out what he was trying to say.  This repeated for about an hour an a half as I brought drinks, salads, and the food while trying to make sure everything was as desired.

The other man at the table kept continually saying, "Thank you so much for being patient," and I could'nt help but think, "Of course."  I kept wondering if this family had had a prior negative experience where they had felt rushed or overlooked by their server.  I wanted to make them feel as comfortable as possible.

As I said goodbye and handed them their payed out check, they smiled and asked to see my manager.  If you are a server, you know that this always makes you uneasy regardless of how nice the table was.  As I stood by, I watched as they told my manger how great it was having me as a server.  ( I am not saying this to brag on myself, but rather to complete the story)  Feeling a little awkward that they had just complimented me, I did not want to walk by past the table again, so I waited till they got up to leave before heading back over.  As the exited the restaurant, they all stopped and waved saying "Thank you so much!" as if I had done them a great service that I was unaware of.  The deaf man, who was last to leave, then came up to me and gave me a huge hug.  I was overwhelmed and almost began to cry as this man hugged me while trying to get these few words out, he murmured, "It was so nice to meet you! Thank you!" As he pulled away, he pointed to himself and said, "I'm from California!" I just began to laugh as I said, "Me too! Have a great night sir!"

This story may sound simple or small, but it really made my night and week as a whole.  I did nothing for this table except act human and remain patient and kind, and they felt like they were being treated like royalty.

As a final note, Anthony, my fiance, really has a heart for the deaf community.  He knows sign language and used to spend a lot of time with deaf children, just playing with them at their school.  We have discussed before the possibility of adopting a child with this disability.  I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this man really impacted my week by showing his love and compassion through his eyes and attempts to communicate.  I felt I communicated with him more so than any person I have ever served before.

Servers don't always spit in your food or act fake to your table.  Sometimes people really impact us and touch our hearts.

bridesmaids' packages.

One thing that I love about planning a wedding is how creative it allows you to be.  I found this idea online and personalized it with my own touches.  I plan to have a lot more DIY projects as the wedding comes closer, but here is one in particular that I had fun creating for my bridesmaids.

embracing the mountains.

I am finally home for the summer in the fresh state of Colorado.  After 16 hours in a overly packed car, I have safely made it home.  I thought that leaving California would be difficult because of my love for the beach, but surprisingly, I felt a new joy and excitement in my heart when I could finally see the Colorado mountains again.  The stress of LA traffic and smoggy air disappeared and I couldn't help but feel at peace as I drove on the three lane highway into Colorado Springs taking in the crisp air and bright stars; this is home.  This morning I embraced sleeping in and woke up to the familiar sound of birds chirping in the almost summer morning proceeded by cooking breakfast and enjoying a large cup of coffee.  I do not think I have moved from my spot on the couch all morning as I have been journaling, reading, and cleaning my computer of all the school work from this last semester.  And all this time the number of days until the wedding, 54, have been ringing in the back up my head.

Although my day today may sound like a typical lazy summer day, my summer will be nothing of the sort. Although excited, I am also overwhelmed and nervous about the new lists I will have to make today.  Rather than them having papers and projects written down with their due dates, they will have appointments, deadlines, and things to do before the big day.  I am very excited as planning is one of my favorite things to do, but I am also beyond myself at imaging how everything I need to do will get done in the next few weeks.

Also to accompany my planning, I am ecstatic to begin once again training, but in a much higher altitude.  I am not one hundred percent sure, but as one of my goals this year was to run a 10k, I am either going to be running the boulderBoulder on May 30th or the Estes Park 10k in the middle of June.  For most, 6 miles may seem like a breeze, but my longest thus-far is 4 and I am ready to reach this new goal and enjoy the training process as well.

On another note, a day that I thought would never come is near arrival: May 23rd, aka the day Anthony and I will begin living in the same state together!  What a concept right?  After nearly a year and a half of long distance, he will finally move to our new home in Fort Collins on May 23 and I will continue to live in Colorado Springs until the wedding (The distance is about 2 hours). We are SO excited to find a house, move in, and enjoy weekends together until the wedding. To be honest, we both just laugh when we think about actually seeing each other for more than a week at a time. It's a whole new idea to us! 

I also begin work in a few days. I honestly feel so blessed to have a job that I can continually rely on for Christmas breaks and summers.  I have been at Texas Roadhouse for over three years now, sometimes for a period of a year and other times, just to pick up a shift or two.  It will be nice to have a reliable job again for those of you who know how difficult this semester has been financially. It is definitely cool though to look back and see that I made it and God did provide.

On a final note, leaving APU has still not really set in yet.  For those of you who know, APU was a much larger attachment for me than just the two years I attended, but rather I began looking at APU in the spring of 2008.  For the last 3 years APU has been the center of my prayers and life.  Whether I was just praying that God would provide financially so that I could attend or I was finally living on campus, the school has more attachments to my heart than I think I even realize myself.  I am by no means detached or have emotional closure.  I know this will be a process that I have to continually work through.  To some, it may seem like leaving APU was my choice because I did decide to get married and leave, and although true, I really believe that I had little control in when I met Anthony and the rate at which our relationship progressed.  For those of you who have had this experience or have done long distance, I think you know what I am talking about. The four year plan sounded good in theory, but although it is for some people, it was not for us and I could not be happier to be marrying him and starting life together.  I never imagined that I would not be graduating for APU though or that it would hold little significance in the degree I received, but I know that God is in control and I feel absolutely blessed and thrilled that I get to have both the experience of a Christian University as well as a state school.  It is like I get to experience and learn from both worlds; an opportunity that not many have.  So, yes, it is very difficult leaving APU and I have ALOT to work through in order to get to a healthy place of closure because I am really going to miss it there and miss the people I have encountered, but I do feel like it was the right decision and I am excited for the journey to come.

A best friend of mine gave me the idea of making a poster with writing down everything God did in my life while at APU and being single so that, when I do start at CSU and am married, I will have a healthy closure with the past chapters of life and be able to be thankful and appreciative for all God did in those times while being excited for what He will do in the future.

That is all for now.  Look for pictures to come of my summer getaway room, as I am calling it. :)  Chocolate wood floors and tan walls will encompass my stay at home this summer and I am excited to decorate and move in starting this afternoon!

the updates of life

WOW. it has been forever I feel like! Mostly because I just feel that so much has happened in the last few weeks that I am entirely different person. I have been wanting to blog and keep saying that I am going to, but I seem to never find the time anymore. I had a really big desire to blog tonight for some reason. Maybe because I feel inspired. All I know is that I feel like writing and expressing a tiny glimpse of what has been going on in my life.


Well for those of you who don't already know, Anthony and I were stationed in Wyoming (not any of the vacation destination states featured a few blogs back).  It was very, very difficult to accept this fact of life, but, in time we have both come to terms with why God placed us there for the next 3 years of life and although it is not the new adventure of Hawaii I was hoping for, I am just excited to begin life with my best friend and be so close to family at the same time.  As many of you also know, there is no way we were going to live in Wyoming (sorry for those of you who love the state), but rather we are going to be living in Fort Collins so I can finish school and Anthony will do the 30 minute commute to work. We actually got to visit a few weeks back and let's just say I have never seen so many people riding bikes in my life (not even in California!) and it seems like a place that will be really fun to explore. Plus, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to attend both a private Christian University as well as a state school and I am excited to move up there.


In other news, a few topics that have been forcefully placed on my mind recently that I have been WRESTLING with are the heavy topics of gender, sexuality, and race. I am taking this class that has completely destroyed me from the inside out and as much as I would love to act like I have it all together, I am a wreck internally most of the time. I wish I could blog about all that has been going on, but I really wouldn't even know where to begin. Right now though, I am writing a paper on human sexuality that is consuming my interests. I am actually loving the research and find it fascinating.  I am by no means a supporter of sexual activity before marriage because I still believe it is a holy and sacred gift, but I also have experienced a lot of shame and guilt myself for ever having sexual desires because no one seems to know how to discuss it...

to accompany this you have the whole discussion on placing gender roles on society, racism through ignorance, oppression of homosexuals, etc.

light subjects right? I find it is hard to find anyone to really talk to because we (including myself) are so wrapped up in our political parties and clinging to our one beloved scripture that has usually been taken out of context, that we never really listen to people. Ironic that I used to be the kind of person who did not care what other people had to say unless it agreed with my worldview. I guess God is just teaching me that one way He is revealed the most is through His creation: humanity.  All my life I have hardly cared to understand people, especially if they were different then me. God has really been shutting me up lately and telling me to just listen and care, regardless of if I agree.

At the same time though, I have definitely not embraced a "no care" attitude towards what God means by living Holy. I guess it is just figuring out what that word means in relation to who God is, who people are, and the connection.

As you can see... it has been a tiring semester for my brain. And I by no means believe I am right in anything, I just desire to know the heart of God and how it applies to my life and humanity.

I am excited to continue exploring this paper topic though and actually writing it. It is my last big hurdle before the end of the semester and I am trying to get it done by Sunday so that I have all next week to relax and enjoy APU for the last time. If you want to help please take this survey at:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/X6NKSQD


Finally, I guess I am just getting ready to head home for the summer and prepare for the wedding! I cannot believe it is almost only 2 months away... time flies!

I will try to be blogging more, especially as summer sets in. And keep your eye out for my paper...like I said I am really excited about it because this is a huge burden on my heart that will further be explained in the paper. I will most likely post it to a coming blog. That is all for tonight.

Job.

It has been a couple weeks and God has really been using some sharp tools to mold me lately.  I plan to write in depth soon, but real quick, while I am writing my final paper for my Hebrew Poetics class, I stumbled across this short, but convicting excerpt in my Bible.



(taken from The Open Bible/The New King James Version)

Keys to Job
Key Word: Sovereignty- The basic question of the book is, Why do the righteous suffer if God is loving and all-powerful?  Suffering itself is not the central theme; rather, the focus is on what Job learns from his suffering-the sovereignty of God over all creation.  The debate in chapters 3-37 regards whether God would allow this suffering to  happen to a person who is innocent.  The oversimplified solutions offered by Job's three friends are simply inadequate.  Elihu's claim that God can use suffering to purify the righteous is closer to the mark.  The conclusion at the whirlwind is that God is sovereign and worthy of worship in whatever He chooses to do.  Job must learn to trust in the goodness and power of God in adversity by enlarging his concept of God.  Even this "blameless" man (1:1) needs to repent when he becomes proud and self-righteous.  He has to come to the end of his own resources, humble himself, and acknowledge the greatness and majesty of the Lord.  Job teaches that God is Lord "of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth" (Phil. 2:10).  He is omniscient, omnipotent, and good.  As such, His ways are sometimes incomprehensible to men and women, but He can always be trusted.  Without the divine perspective in chapters 1 and 2, and in 38-42, chapters 3-37 are a mystery.  Job does not have access to chapters 1 and 2, but he is responsible to trust God when all appearances are contrary.  Suffering is not always associated with sin; God often sovereignly uses it to test and teach.

home for the next four years: our hopes.

Today Anthony sat down with his advisor and choiced in where we would like to be stationed. His class will receive a list at the end of March and if the list they give them has any of these bases on them, then that is where we will be placed. If none of our choices are on the list, then we will get randomly placed. We are being as optimistic as possible and we know it is all in the Lord's hands, but please pray for us in this exciting month. We both love the water so much and it will be a challenge to have to live inland for the next four years. Here are our choices :) :

Oahu, Hawaii

Cocoa Beach, Florida

Los Angeles, California

Charleston, South Carolina

Boston, Massachusetts 

a traveler's heart.

Yesterday, a friend from high school came to visit APU for a few different reasons. 1. He is thinking about attending next year 2. He is dating (so cute!) my roommate Susanna and 3. He is on layover in LA for his flight to Australia!


It was so incredible to see him after he has been out of the country since August doing a Discipleship Training School through YWAM (Youth With A Mission). His training/school phase, which lasted for three months, was in Jamaica and then he spent the rest of his time on his outreach phase in Africa! And now, after one day back home in Colorado, he is heading to Australia for two weeks to see his brother who  is also working for a YWAM.


Like I said, it was incredible to see him, but after he left, I couldn't help but feel a little down.  It took less than fifteen minutes before I realized I was going through another 'withdrawal.'


For those of you who don't know me to well, you probably don't know that my biggest passion other than God and my family and friends is traveling.  It is not just something that I think is cool or like doing, but it is really at the core of my heart.  Ever since I was little, my parents realized I was not a homebody.  I had my first sleepover at 4 years old and, according to my parents, it was not one filled with tears and wanting to come home, but rather I was fine.  And even my current location shows how close to home I typically am. When I looked at schools, I didn't even look at Colorado because I knew I wanted to go out of state. It's not that I don't love my home and my family, but my home for me has always been a place of regrouping and rest in between adventures. I go home for holidays, breaks, and to refill myself before tackling the next place God is leading me to.


When I was 15, I had my first overseas experience. I was only a sophomore in high school and had been attending my youth group, let alone living in Colorado, for less than a year, but I jumped right in and joined a missions team. We went to Germany for two weeks and I knew when coming home that this was not my last overseas experience. 


The next year was rough because, my friends and I, who were still in high school, decided to randomly attend the college group at our church on the night they decided to recruit for an upcoming random trip. The trip was to China and in less than two weeks. It was an urgent trip, but they knew they were supposed to go and they began forming teams. My friends and I went foreword not even sure they would allow high schoolers on the trip, but sure enough, they wanted us. It was hard as I watched God open the door for my friends and slowly shut it for me and as they left for China, I got on a plane to spend my summer in California.

Anastasisa, Grace, Me, Florencia (all sisters)

The next summer was the same experience as my best friend Michaela traveled to Uganda while I tried to prepare for college.  Her stories excited me and I wanted to go so bad. It had been two summers now since traveling again and that itch that I am feeling now, was stronger than ever. When I learned that I wouldn't be attending APU in 08 due to finances, I began applying for crazy backpacking trips in New Zealand or YWAM schools in Panama. God kept shutting doors though and it was in October that I learned I would be going to Rwanda.
Rwanda was nothing like I expected and I actually had a really rough time, but my team is still like my second family, not to mention my fiance :)

Seoul, South Korea

After being at APU for a year, I felt content with going home for the summer, except I was a little envious of Anthony for getting to go to Africa for his third time the past December and now he was on his way to Costa Rica. God opened a huge door for me at this time and this was how I ended up spending three weeks in South Korea this past August.
Many of you know, I was supposed to be in Costa Rica this semester, but the door was clearly shut.  I am blessed enough to be leading a team to Mexico in a few weeks with my roommate though, and hopefully this 'itch' will calm down.


I don't mean to make a joke out of my traveling desire because, in actuality, I know that when ministry is involved, I am not traveling out of my own desire, but because God has called. I don't go to countries to save people or even evangelize, but to see what I can learn and how God wants to use me.


Other than ministry though, I truly do love new experiences and adventures. There is nothing better than sharing a coke outside with a guy that will one day be your husband (except you have no clue!) as you watch Rwandan people walk the roads or play tennis with a gatekeeper who doesn't speak a word of English. 


One memory I miss the most is playing in the grass at New Hope Homes. This is where I learned about God's love for me through a precious girl named Anastasia. She has impacted my heart so deeply that if you are close to me you know who I am talking about. She is eight years old now and finally attending school! I am blessed to be able to follow her through internet updates, but I miss her in a way that only God understands. Her and I would sit up in the back tree and I would just talk to her as she listened even though she didn't understand. She was never rambunctious or wild, but would always latch on to me and follow me throughout the day. I miss spending days with her more than anything.

After playing soccer in the monsoon.

Another memory from Korea which you may have read in my blog from last year, was playing soccer in the monsoon rain. I have never been so wet in my life, but I jumped into a game of soccer with a bunch of high school boys that lasted for over two hours. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.


I recently took Anthony out to Shabu-Shabu (a couple blogs down it shows a picture) and it was fun to give him a taste of what I did in Korea because he too has many adventures that he shares with me. For example, I have a carving of macaw birds sitting on my desk. He got this for me in Costa Rica because the macaw birds, which are very popular down there, always find a mate and travel in pairs with that one mate for their entire life. While that sits on my desk, he has a lamp from Korea sitting on his. It is made out of wood and vines and then has a small paper encompassment. It is fun to share these with one another.

For fun I thought I would dream a little and write out all the dreams I hope to share with Anthony in traveling:

Us after building a mud hut in Africa

backpacking through New Zealand

country hopping in Europe

watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

eating chips and salsa in Central America

riding a boat through the Amazon

visiting historical, Biblical sites

seeing the pyramids

going to Hillsong Church

sending our kids on their first mission trips and helping them plan/raise money

adopting

celebrating the day I am finally fluent in Spanish

celebrating the day our kids are bilingual

beach camping

eventually, when the time comes, selling everything we own and moving back to the continent where it all began.

thoughts from starbucks.

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵ But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶ for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy."


                                                                    1 Peter 1:14-16

So much has happened in these last few weeks and I have honestly thought about blogging without actually doing it a countless amount of times.  Somehow though, weeks have gone by and I finally have found the time to buy myself a Raspberry Mocha (inspired by my mother-in-law to be) and sit myself down to write.  Starbucks can be quite inspiring and tonight I feel inspired.


Here is a recap of the most current events in my life:


1. I decided and ordered bridesmaids dresses and finalized a photographer for the wedding
2. I was blessed to receive not one, but two babysitting jobs that pay very well and fit flexibly with my season of rest (for those of you who know how big finances have been a struggle this semester... this is an answer to two months of prayer)
3. I have found a new Friday night home; the Azusa House of Prayer
4. I have accomplished running 4 miles in 24 minutes and I am running my first 5k (as an official event) tomorrow morning
5. Anthony and I are less than one month away from finding out where our new home will be
6. My roommate Susanna and I are going to be leading an all women team to Mexico over spring break to work with a women's shelter


Of course these are only recaps, as I feel overwhelmed at the ways I have been challenged and tried in the last few weeks.  I guess I will just start by saying that I am taking this class....


For those of you who go to a Christian University I hope you know what I mean when I say, 'I am taking this class.'  It is one of those classes where I no longer plan anything afterward because I don't know where I will be emotionally when I walk out.  It is one of those classes where everything I have ever believed is challenged, tested, and judged.  It is also one of those classes that is three hours long, involves little discernment and only a small amount of welcoming toward the word of God, and is very opinion based.


I have been STRUGGLING (extra emphasis on the caps) with this class because everything I believe about God, relationships, identity, and who I am seems to not align with those of my classmates or the professor.  And this has been hard because I have had to ask myself a lot of hard questions about what I believe and theology.  Because if the teachings of the class were to be true, I would not only not know God, but I don't think I would even know myself.


Although scary, I was ready to face this challenge and discover.  But what I discovered was what I had known all along, our generation seems to lack a vocabulary containing the words holiness and glory.  Every week I go to this class amazed that, even though the teachings have although biased, somewhat valid arguments, they lack scriptural support and are never surrounded with prayer and discernment (at least none inside the classroom).  Not once have the words, 'Let's pray that the Lord will provide wisdom in discussing these heavy issues' been offered and we have spent less then five minutes addressing scripture throughout the entire semester.


But even still, I remained uneasy and thoughts of class consumed me everyday even though the class was only for three hours every Thursday evening.  Until today.


Today, as I was running and listening to the new, AMAZING New Life Worship song (check it out at http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/great-i-am-single/id421468763), the Lord spoke something so familiar over me and something that has been the core of my heart since being at APU.  Sadly, I will say it again, I believe our generation lacks holiness and glory.  We are so focused on what will make us comfortable.  With issues surrounding dating, media, the way we dress, the things we buy, etc. etc. etc....it seems we are more concerned with ourselves and less concerned with holiness.


What does living holy really mean? What does having the glory of God shine through us truly mean?  Who is the Great I Am and why do we feel we have authority to choose how to live out our lives as if holiness is irrelevant?


So often I have heard statements of selfishness, pride, and comfort, but when will we start asking ourselves,


"How holy can I be for the sake of knowing the Lord?"


I recently heard a statement that claimed, "Christianity believes Jesus was sent to die on the cross to save us from the wrath of God.  But who is this God that we need to be saved from and is that really the type of God I want to worship?" This really surprised me because I feel it is obvious that if we would open our eyes to how holy God is, we would understand that it was our fault for separating ourselves from Him and even then He was loving enough to send His son to bridge the gap.  It is not that we need to be saved from His wrath, it is that we chose to be unholy and therefore cannot be one with a holy, glorious God.  That is why we need saving and purification. 


This is a glimpse at what has been on my heart.  I feel after much confusion and struggle in my spirit, I was reminded tonight that regardless of what I am being taught, that I must test it.  And sometimes, rebuke it.  I feel blessed to be granted the opportunity to go through a class that affirms why I so strongly believe what I believe.  But I also feel burdened that we have shaped God into something He is obviously not.  I feel hurt that we have twisted scriptures in order to satisfy our own desires when scripture makes it clear that when we choose Christ we choose the cross.


Yet in all of this, I feel blessed to have been led to the AZHOP to be united with other believers who also desire holiness and glory to consume their lives.  And as my time closes at APU in less than two months, I feel so grateful to be brought to this place.  I have learned so much and desire to continue having the tough conversations.  I just pray that we can remember...


 holiness will always overrule comfort.

Bridesmaids' Dresses Round Two.

Alright ladies, here we go again! You all deserve to look and feel beautiful, as well as have a dress you can love and wear again.  So I need votes! I am less concerned about color now and more concerned about finding a dress that we all love! Please give me feedback :) &if you don't like any of them, I am open to more suggestions!

Everything is Meaningless

I will be the first do admit that I need Jesus.  Everyday of my life I focus on how I can better become like Him, yet fail to come close.  My conversations are always about prayer, intimacy, scriptures, and how God works, but I find that when I am alone, He is the last person I spend time with.  I know about prayer, but I don't practice it.  I know I am supposed to have intimacy with God, but I feel so distant and unknown by the man called Jesus.

What is faith and why is it so difficult to find it in this world that seems fogged by false idols and hopes?

Recently, I have been experiencing things that make me feel so depressed and discouraged, it really emphasizes how I care about nothing except knowing God.  I just don't know how to know Him like I am supposed to.

I strongly believe there has to be a pursuit involved, even with the gift of grace.  I have to desire to receive and I have to pursue the one who is in turn pursuing me.  Yet everything that surrounds me suffocates me and I feel I have forgotten or maybe never even known how to pursue.  Is it truly this complex? Or is faith so simple and divine that as sinful beings all we know how to do is make it complicated...

Dear Broken Family...

With death there is life and with life there is death.

On Thursday morning, while others began their coffee pots and morning showers, I boarded a plane headed for the only place I wanted to be; the same place my husband to be was headed.  While he headed west, I headed east and on Thursday morning, we met in the middle of the United States and Denver International Airport.  I cannot tell you how anticipated this weekend had been.  Not only would we begin pre marital counseling and see each other after another long six weeks of life, but it marked one of the last visits before the wedding.  With visits being six to eight weeks apart and the wedding being only five months away, we knew this trip could only mean we are getting closer.

What I didn't expect though, was that I would leave on Monday afternoon feeling more broken, depressed, and discouraged than I have in a while.  And yet in the midst of those feelings, they would be accompanied with feelings of hope, confidence, and excitement.  God always seems to hit you hardest when you don't expect it.

A Letter to a Broken Family.

Dear Broken Family,

My name is Kayti and this past weekend I had the absolute privilege of attending a conference with my soon to be husband.  The conference was called Love and Respect and was put on by Emerson Eggerichs and his wife.  Years back they discovered a basic truth and principle that is so simple, yet so key to marriage.  Ever since, they have written books and traveled the world preaching the good news of God's restoration and hope for broken marriages and families.

I learned so much at this conference and I would really encourage you and any of your friends to read this book or listen to the principles of the Eggerichs' teachings.  They speak about the importance of love and respect in a household and how important it is for both concepts to team together.  If both principles are not present, than problems will begin to arise.

Women are created to love and to be loved where Men are created to respect and to be respected.

Neither are wrong, they are just different.

When a woman refuses to respect her husband, he typically will respond without love.

When a husband treats his wife without love, she will typically respond without respect.

You see how the cycle works?

As I was at this conference, I became encouraged for my future with my husband to be and excited to begin a journey of respecting him and all that he does for me.  You see, God did not create women to naturally understand respect.  With girlfriends, you never hear them fighting and saying, "You just don't respect me." Women desire to be appreciated, loved on, and have intimate conversations in order to feel close to others.  This is why it is such a Godly principle for women to learn to respect their husbands.  Men need to know that they are appreciated and respected for providing financially, protecting the family, remaining faithful to their wife, etc.  The proper response to a man getting a promotion in his job is not, "I love you so much because you work," but, "I respect you so much for all of the hard work you do and sacrifices you make for me." As a woman myself, this seems difficult to understand.  Why does, "I love you," not translate to, "I respect you?" But, as stated, men and women are created differently.  It is not wrong, just different.

In turn, when a man talks down to a women, he deflates her spirit.  Women are not guys and cannot be talked to like a man would talk to a man.  Most men, when they have conflicts with one another, don't sit for three hours discussing the problem.  They get over it and move on.  When a man does this to a woman though, she feels he is being unloving because he doesn't want to to talk through the problem.  Also, when a woman raises kids, holds a job, goes to school, etc. she needs to know that she is appreciated and noticed for her achievements.  Minimizing achievements, in the case of a man or woman, is just hurtful. Women need to be nurtured and loved on.

As my college pastor says, "Men are like thermoses and women are like goblets. Men can be thrown around while women shatter easily."

I understand that these are such tiny examples and that you may be thinking, "You don't know how my husband/wife/daughter/son/father/mother treats me and what we have been going through," and you are right, I don't know.  The point is though, my age and the fact that I am not married yet do not determine my wisdom in this area.  Experience is NOT what determines whether your marriage is successful.  Let me repeat. EXPERIENCE IS NOT WHAT DETERMINES WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SUCCESS.

Before I walk down the aisle, as of today, I have decided that 1. Divorce is not an option nor a word in my vocabulary and 2. I serve God and only God, not my family or my husband.

These decisions that I make now will not change when I am married and therefore do not determine wisdom in this area. God has called us to something and once we make that decision, there are not ifs, thens, or buts.  There is no door to exit my marriage or my family.

If you are wondering why I am sharing this small amount of information compared to the vast amount I learned this weekend, it is because, this weekend I witnessed life and death.

As we left the conference, I couldn't help but want to be alone to just weep.  Half of my heart was rejoicing because I am still able to apply these principles and begin my marriage off on the Godly path.  Half of my heart was crying tears of joy as I watched couples reunite together and have their first conversation in over ten years.  Half of my heart was praising the Lord because He was restoring broken families in the midst of my presence.  But half of my heart was broken and discouraged beyond repair because I saw that, for some couples, this news was not enough to overcome their selfishness.  Half of my heart wept tears of anguish for what marriage has become in the sight of the world.  Half of my heart felt angry and distressed that families no longer share dinner with one another, mothers feel unloved, fathers feel disrespected, children are disobedient, and silence rules the house. Half of my heart was, and still feels, broken.

In this conference, regardless of how God created men and women, I learned one important thing.

Marriage and relationships are not about me and they are all about me.  This means that, regardless of how Anthony treats me, once I have said my vows before God and the church, I have promised God to respect him and love him until the day I die.  Regardless of if I ever feel loved by my husband, father, mother, sisters, or brother, the Lord has called me to treat them in accordance to HIS WORD.  So, it is not about me, but it is all about me, because I am responsible for the way I treat people.

Unconditional respect triggers unconditional love and unconditional love triggers unconditional respect.

And if it doesn't? I will still respect and love unconditionally because I choose not to live by the standards of Hollywood, but by the standards of the Holy Word.

So, broken family, please reconsider closing off your relationships.  Whether it is deciding to not talk, filing divorce, emancipation, etc. remember that this is not about you and you are called not to quit, but to fight.

Love,

Praying for broken marriages and families

tres cosas that are keeping my chin up.



This past weekend, Anthony and I went skating at an outdoor rink in Lakewood, CO. Afterward, I surprised him with a Korean dinner.  While in Korea, I tried a food called Shabu-Shabu and have been wanting to eat it again. I finally found a great place only 3 miles from the ice rink and we enjoyed rice wine, potstickers, Shabu-Shabu (an Asian-style of fondu), and Tempura Banna Split. Our table was a few steps underneath the main floor and we had to take our shoes off and climb down into a box so to speak.



A stack of books to keep me occupied on this dreary Tuesday.

I finally had the opportunity to try a new recipe out on Anthony this weekend.  For Valentine's Day I cooked Vanilla-Cinnamon French toast covered in blueberries, bacon, and maple syrup. I was quite pleased with how it turned out :)

Francis Chan "Making Sense of Your Life."

The United States makes up 4% of the world's population, where India and China make up about 40%.  We are laughed at for attending mega churches in buildings.  We are the weird ones and are different for not suffering from persecution.  Watch Chan's challenging message about what the gospel really means and how it looks in your own life.


Watch Francis Chan's new sermon "Making Sense of Your Life."

Deadly Arrows and Aggressive Mules

Today has been a rough day.  It is one of those days where you understand the concept of a life beginning and a life ending.  Anthony and I are celebrating 16 months of being together and our soon to be marriage, where as a family member of mine took his last breath this morning.  This has placed me in a contemplative, emotional state.  This afternoon I was supposed to be spending my time reading my Intercultural Communications books, but instead found myself reading my new pleasure book.  It is entitled, Bruchko, and it has more culture than my required reading anyways.  Here is how it is impacting me and some of my thoughts today.

As I sat in the glorious sunshine feeling vulnerable, ignorant, and confused about life's biggest questions, I read a book that not only challenged my questions, but challenged my soul.

My question?

What does being a Christian really mean?

Obviously this question sprung this morning as thoughts of death, heaven, God, and a dear family member's eternal life swarmed in my head.  And as I read this book, I felt more convicted than I have ever felt.  Bruchko is the story of a man of my age who, against all advice, buys a one way ticket to Venezuela in obedience to God's call of ministering to untouched Indian tribes.  The story has it's obvious adventure and excitement, but something new has captured me in this book that not many others have.  Read this passage and I think you will get a feel for what I mean:

"I looked down at my thigh.  A long shaft was sticking out of it, with a neat little punch-hole where the arrow had gone in.  The hole was bright red from the blood, my blood, oozing out and down my leg.  I couldn't take my eyes off the arrow.  It seemed unreal It had to be sticking out from someone else's leg.  But it wasn't...I think I awoke the next day.  There was no way of knowing how long I had been unconscious...I felt hot and feverish.  My thigh was swollen, and ugly yellow pus surrounded the place where the arrow had gone in...For four days I walked without food...Fever burned in me.  I felt alternately hot and cold.  It was a terrific effort just to lift my feet" (Olson 70-75).

This is just ONE story from his travels about the suffering he experienced.  What you don't read in this passage is that after being shot with an arrow and before making his four day escape through the jungle, he laid on a mat in the hut of the deadliest tribe in Venezuela.  Not only did he go for over a month and a half without food, but he laid there as his leg received no medical attention and became infected.  He suffered from multiple jungle diseases and still somehow he was able to stand up and escape.  Let alone the fact that he purposely returns to the same Indian tribe later on in the story.

All I could think of when reading these pages today was, "Oh God."  Not because on the surface I was cringing at the thought of being shot with arrows or kicked multiple times in the face by mules (another story of his), but because deep down in my soul I was terrified at the fact that, here it is,

This is what being a Christ follower means.

"Oh God" is right.  As I sit in the comfort of my 35 grand university campus and soak up the California rays, I know that I am called to give up everything.  Now I don't mean that it is a sin to be here at school, or even that it is not what God wants, because God wants me at APU and calls us to live ordinary lives.  But he also calls us to give up everything when the time comes.  And that scares me.  It scares me to think of myself lying in the dark jungle with my body wounded beyond repair.  It scares me to think of myself in situations where I could get shot for my faith.  But, today I realized that it scares me more to not obey God.

What does being a Christian really mean?  It could mean being a professor at APU.  It could mean riding motorcycles through the African deserts (The Only Road North).  It could mean learning the dialect of an untouched Indian tribe (Bruchko).  It could mean being a Godly mother.  But most of all, it just means obeying God in WHATEVER and WHEREVER He calls you to.  I would be lying if I said that doesn't scare me.  But I would be lying if I said being a passive Christian doesn't scare me more.

The Bride Collector: A Book Review

APU students: You can borrow the book
from Links PLus if you are interested in reading it!

I believe book reviews are helpful and fun and therefore have decided to write my own :)  I was encouraged that a book I recommended to one of my roommates became one of her favorites, so maybe this review can be of some help to someone.

So as my previous blog stated, one of my goals for 2011 is to create a book list and read all of the books on there.  I currently only have 6 books on the list, but I have already read 2 and hope to be adding a lot more. Today, it is 81 degrees outside and was the perfect day to grab a naked juice popsicle (APU students... you have to try them!) and finish the last 100 pages of my most current Ted Dekker novel.

Ted Dekker is not a new name to me as I became addicted to his work after a good friend recommended Thr3e to me.  It has been a few years since and I have now read over 5 of his novels.  The one that I happened to finish today is entitled The Bride Collector.

The reason I love his novels is because they are very much like CSI episodes.  I love the whole crime scene aspect each novel brings and they always keep me in an investigator mindset of trying to find out the ending.  Each novel also always has a "no way!" factor.  This is the part of the book where you set it down and are in awe because you did not see whatever just happened coming.  I love that!  But, besides all of the really good writing aspects, I love how he relates everything to the battle of God and satan.  Every book is about facing our sin and demons.  You grow attached to one character and follow them on their journey as they come to realizations about the dark spots in their hearts and finally surrender them to God.  Dekker just happens to be able to weave this battle into amazing stories.

To be more specific about The Bride Collector, the story is about a psychotic man who believes he was sent by God to bring Him His "favorites."  He does this by taking a woman, sedating her, perfecting her appearance, and then glueing her to a wall while blood drains from drill holes in her heels.  He then leaves her with a veil over her face.  Sounds "wonderful" right? I promise it gets better. The story is all about the chase to find this killer and understanding the spiritual connections in the phrase, "God's favorites."  Without giving away too much of the story, I found myself pondering how I really believe God views me and who I am as a woman of Christ.

My favorite part of the novel is always the ending.  Dekker always ends his novel with a passage of scripture that encompasses his story.  This book ends with a passage out of Song of Songs.  I felt it was perfect and applicable for my life because I just finished listening to a podcast on the book of Song of Songs.  It is always fun to see how God will use multiple tools to tie lessons together in your life.  Hopefully someone will be encouraged to read this book.  It is excellent, challenging, and a great leisure read.  It is fiction and it allows us students to remember what it is like to enjoy reading :)  I hope you get the chance to enjoy it and maybe discover Dekker has a lot to pour into your life as well.