I never would have guessed in a million years that I would in fact not be studying abroad in my college career and that I would instead complete a full two years at Azusa Pacific University. I would also never have guessed that I would be getting married within the next six months. Let's just say God has really thrown me some whirlwinds this last year.
So here I am back at APU. Although I am not the type to change plans last minute, it seems to have become my new trademark this last year. First, I was going to Costa Rica. Then, I was moving back to Colorado to work and live with friends. But finally, I find myself back in California and registered for classes.
To say that I am not excited about being here would be a lie. God has made it very clear to me that this is where I am supposed to be right now, I just find myself struggling to understand and live in His will. My motives for returning to Colorado were to pay off some debt I had acquired before getting married and to spend a semester in rest. This meant I was going to spend my days reading, journaling, having great girl time, and working on the side. When He made it clear that I was not supposed to leave California, I immediately began doing what I do best, planning. I mapped out all the classes I would take, where I would work, etc., but seemed to forget about spending a season is rest.
Once I returned to California, the job search began. Thankfully, I had my beautiful sister to accompany me on the road trip out here and was able to spend a lot of much needed time with her, but we had secluded the first day back for job hunting. Discouraged and upset though, I returned home from the first day with nothing to show for. Even with all the encouragement being thrown my way of, "It was only the first day" or "Don't worry they will call you," I knew deep down that there was something else wrong. Even as I continued to search, with each "no" I became more frustrated and less trusting of my Father who I claimed to believe would provide.
Classes began yesterday and the fear of possible unemployment this semester is starting to hit. This morning I felt God was trying to teach me something though. Regardless of if I find a job or not, I need to hold true to what God commanded me. He made it very clear that I was not supposed to overload myself this semester, but underload myself so that I may have many moments where I am free to do whatever I want.
To some this may sound ridiculous and almost selfish, but I know that God truly has some great friendships and learning experiences waiting for me if I can just trust Him with my time. I am not the type of person that thrives on this idea either. I love busyness, schedule, and having barely any free time, but I have found that I sink into a routine of self centeredness and non availability to be used by God in these seasons. All that I wish is that I could spend a season growing and resting in God's presence.
So, I do not know if God has a job waiting for me, but I really feel that if I do find one, I will only be working 1 or 2 days out of the week. He has already blessed me with a very small, but prayer answering opportunity to teach pre schoolers for three hours a week. The pay is small, but I trust God will provide. In fact, I have to learn how to do this. My faith has been tested so much over these last few days and I have found the results disappointing. I know God is doing miracles and providing all around me, but I also know that I hardly allow my eyes to open enough to see them. God will provide and is a provider. I want to learn that from experience over these next few months.
Besides the time of rest and reading, I will be taking 12 units that I have prayerfully considered and am ecstatic about. My classes include: Hebrew Poetical and Wisdom Literature (i.e. the books of Job-Proverbs), Church History Since the Reformation, Astronomy, Kickboxing, and Intercultural Communication. These classes should keep me preoccupied and I am excited to be able to really pour into them since I will have more time to do so.
I also want to start blogging a lot this semester. I want to do it because I hope that I can encourage people or grow from it myself. I will be reading a lot of good books and would love to share passages and teachings that God wishes for His people to know. I hope that I can be of some inspiration to someone or be used in some way. I am finding that I love to write even more than I thought and it brings me great pleasure to write blogs.
With all of that being said, I know that God is going to do amazing things this semester and I want to be a part of them. I want to have time to be a part of them. I want to trust Him with my financial situation and bring all that I am into His presence. He is too good for me to not do so.
I encourage you to underload your plates and embrace the silence.
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