Job.

It has been a couple weeks and God has really been using some sharp tools to mold me lately.  I plan to write in depth soon, but real quick, while I am writing my final paper for my Hebrew Poetics class, I stumbled across this short, but convicting excerpt in my Bible.



(taken from The Open Bible/The New King James Version)

Keys to Job
Key Word: Sovereignty- The basic question of the book is, Why do the righteous suffer if God is loving and all-powerful?  Suffering itself is not the central theme; rather, the focus is on what Job learns from his suffering-the sovereignty of God over all creation.  The debate in chapters 3-37 regards whether God would allow this suffering to  happen to a person who is innocent.  The oversimplified solutions offered by Job's three friends are simply inadequate.  Elihu's claim that God can use suffering to purify the righteous is closer to the mark.  The conclusion at the whirlwind is that God is sovereign and worthy of worship in whatever He chooses to do.  Job must learn to trust in the goodness and power of God in adversity by enlarging his concept of God.  Even this "blameless" man (1:1) needs to repent when he becomes proud and self-righteous.  He has to come to the end of his own resources, humble himself, and acknowledge the greatness and majesty of the Lord.  Job teaches that God is Lord "of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth" (Phil. 2:10).  He is omniscient, omnipotent, and good.  As such, His ways are sometimes incomprehensible to men and women, but He can always be trusted.  Without the divine perspective in chapters 1 and 2, and in 38-42, chapters 3-37 are a mystery.  Job does not have access to chapters 1 and 2, but he is responsible to trust God when all appearances are contrary.  Suffering is not always associated with sin; God often sovereignly uses it to test and teach.

home for the next four years: our hopes.

Today Anthony sat down with his advisor and choiced in where we would like to be stationed. His class will receive a list at the end of March and if the list they give them has any of these bases on them, then that is where we will be placed. If none of our choices are on the list, then we will get randomly placed. We are being as optimistic as possible and we know it is all in the Lord's hands, but please pray for us in this exciting month. We both love the water so much and it will be a challenge to have to live inland for the next four years. Here are our choices :) :

Oahu, Hawaii

Cocoa Beach, Florida

Los Angeles, California

Charleston, South Carolina

Boston, Massachusetts 

a traveler's heart.

Yesterday, a friend from high school came to visit APU for a few different reasons. 1. He is thinking about attending next year 2. He is dating (so cute!) my roommate Susanna and 3. He is on layover in LA for his flight to Australia!


It was so incredible to see him after he has been out of the country since August doing a Discipleship Training School through YWAM (Youth With A Mission). His training/school phase, which lasted for three months, was in Jamaica and then he spent the rest of his time on his outreach phase in Africa! And now, after one day back home in Colorado, he is heading to Australia for two weeks to see his brother who  is also working for a YWAM.


Like I said, it was incredible to see him, but after he left, I couldn't help but feel a little down.  It took less than fifteen minutes before I realized I was going through another 'withdrawal.'


For those of you who don't know me to well, you probably don't know that my biggest passion other than God and my family and friends is traveling.  It is not just something that I think is cool or like doing, but it is really at the core of my heart.  Ever since I was little, my parents realized I was not a homebody.  I had my first sleepover at 4 years old and, according to my parents, it was not one filled with tears and wanting to come home, but rather I was fine.  And even my current location shows how close to home I typically am. When I looked at schools, I didn't even look at Colorado because I knew I wanted to go out of state. It's not that I don't love my home and my family, but my home for me has always been a place of regrouping and rest in between adventures. I go home for holidays, breaks, and to refill myself before tackling the next place God is leading me to.


When I was 15, I had my first overseas experience. I was only a sophomore in high school and had been attending my youth group, let alone living in Colorado, for less than a year, but I jumped right in and joined a missions team. We went to Germany for two weeks and I knew when coming home that this was not my last overseas experience. 


The next year was rough because, my friends and I, who were still in high school, decided to randomly attend the college group at our church on the night they decided to recruit for an upcoming random trip. The trip was to China and in less than two weeks. It was an urgent trip, but they knew they were supposed to go and they began forming teams. My friends and I went foreword not even sure they would allow high schoolers on the trip, but sure enough, they wanted us. It was hard as I watched God open the door for my friends and slowly shut it for me and as they left for China, I got on a plane to spend my summer in California.

Anastasisa, Grace, Me, Florencia (all sisters)

The next summer was the same experience as my best friend Michaela traveled to Uganda while I tried to prepare for college.  Her stories excited me and I wanted to go so bad. It had been two summers now since traveling again and that itch that I am feeling now, was stronger than ever. When I learned that I wouldn't be attending APU in 08 due to finances, I began applying for crazy backpacking trips in New Zealand or YWAM schools in Panama. God kept shutting doors though and it was in October that I learned I would be going to Rwanda.
Rwanda was nothing like I expected and I actually had a really rough time, but my team is still like my second family, not to mention my fiance :)

Seoul, South Korea

After being at APU for a year, I felt content with going home for the summer, except I was a little envious of Anthony for getting to go to Africa for his third time the past December and now he was on his way to Costa Rica. God opened a huge door for me at this time and this was how I ended up spending three weeks in South Korea this past August.
Many of you know, I was supposed to be in Costa Rica this semester, but the door was clearly shut.  I am blessed enough to be leading a team to Mexico in a few weeks with my roommate though, and hopefully this 'itch' will calm down.


I don't mean to make a joke out of my traveling desire because, in actuality, I know that when ministry is involved, I am not traveling out of my own desire, but because God has called. I don't go to countries to save people or even evangelize, but to see what I can learn and how God wants to use me.


Other than ministry though, I truly do love new experiences and adventures. There is nothing better than sharing a coke outside with a guy that will one day be your husband (except you have no clue!) as you watch Rwandan people walk the roads or play tennis with a gatekeeper who doesn't speak a word of English. 


One memory I miss the most is playing in the grass at New Hope Homes. This is where I learned about God's love for me through a precious girl named Anastasia. She has impacted my heart so deeply that if you are close to me you know who I am talking about. She is eight years old now and finally attending school! I am blessed to be able to follow her through internet updates, but I miss her in a way that only God understands. Her and I would sit up in the back tree and I would just talk to her as she listened even though she didn't understand. She was never rambunctious or wild, but would always latch on to me and follow me throughout the day. I miss spending days with her more than anything.

After playing soccer in the monsoon.

Another memory from Korea which you may have read in my blog from last year, was playing soccer in the monsoon rain. I have never been so wet in my life, but I jumped into a game of soccer with a bunch of high school boys that lasted for over two hours. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.


I recently took Anthony out to Shabu-Shabu (a couple blogs down it shows a picture) and it was fun to give him a taste of what I did in Korea because he too has many adventures that he shares with me. For example, I have a carving of macaw birds sitting on my desk. He got this for me in Costa Rica because the macaw birds, which are very popular down there, always find a mate and travel in pairs with that one mate for their entire life. While that sits on my desk, he has a lamp from Korea sitting on his. It is made out of wood and vines and then has a small paper encompassment. It is fun to share these with one another.

For fun I thought I would dream a little and write out all the dreams I hope to share with Anthony in traveling:

Us after building a mud hut in Africa

backpacking through New Zealand

country hopping in Europe

watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

eating chips and salsa in Central America

riding a boat through the Amazon

visiting historical, Biblical sites

seeing the pyramids

going to Hillsong Church

sending our kids on their first mission trips and helping them plan/raise money

adopting

celebrating the day I am finally fluent in Spanish

celebrating the day our kids are bilingual

beach camping

eventually, when the time comes, selling everything we own and moving back to the continent where it all began.

thoughts from starbucks.

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵ But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶ for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy."


                                                                    1 Peter 1:14-16

So much has happened in these last few weeks and I have honestly thought about blogging without actually doing it a countless amount of times.  Somehow though, weeks have gone by and I finally have found the time to buy myself a Raspberry Mocha (inspired by my mother-in-law to be) and sit myself down to write.  Starbucks can be quite inspiring and tonight I feel inspired.


Here is a recap of the most current events in my life:


1. I decided and ordered bridesmaids dresses and finalized a photographer for the wedding
2. I was blessed to receive not one, but two babysitting jobs that pay very well and fit flexibly with my season of rest (for those of you who know how big finances have been a struggle this semester... this is an answer to two months of prayer)
3. I have found a new Friday night home; the Azusa House of Prayer
4. I have accomplished running 4 miles in 24 minutes and I am running my first 5k (as an official event) tomorrow morning
5. Anthony and I are less than one month away from finding out where our new home will be
6. My roommate Susanna and I are going to be leading an all women team to Mexico over spring break to work with a women's shelter


Of course these are only recaps, as I feel overwhelmed at the ways I have been challenged and tried in the last few weeks.  I guess I will just start by saying that I am taking this class....


For those of you who go to a Christian University I hope you know what I mean when I say, 'I am taking this class.'  It is one of those classes where I no longer plan anything afterward because I don't know where I will be emotionally when I walk out.  It is one of those classes where everything I have ever believed is challenged, tested, and judged.  It is also one of those classes that is three hours long, involves little discernment and only a small amount of welcoming toward the word of God, and is very opinion based.


I have been STRUGGLING (extra emphasis on the caps) with this class because everything I believe about God, relationships, identity, and who I am seems to not align with those of my classmates or the professor.  And this has been hard because I have had to ask myself a lot of hard questions about what I believe and theology.  Because if the teachings of the class were to be true, I would not only not know God, but I don't think I would even know myself.


Although scary, I was ready to face this challenge and discover.  But what I discovered was what I had known all along, our generation seems to lack a vocabulary containing the words holiness and glory.  Every week I go to this class amazed that, even though the teachings have although biased, somewhat valid arguments, they lack scriptural support and are never surrounded with prayer and discernment (at least none inside the classroom).  Not once have the words, 'Let's pray that the Lord will provide wisdom in discussing these heavy issues' been offered and we have spent less then five minutes addressing scripture throughout the entire semester.


But even still, I remained uneasy and thoughts of class consumed me everyday even though the class was only for three hours every Thursday evening.  Until today.


Today, as I was running and listening to the new, AMAZING New Life Worship song (check it out at http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/great-i-am-single/id421468763), the Lord spoke something so familiar over me and something that has been the core of my heart since being at APU.  Sadly, I will say it again, I believe our generation lacks holiness and glory.  We are so focused on what will make us comfortable.  With issues surrounding dating, media, the way we dress, the things we buy, etc. etc. etc....it seems we are more concerned with ourselves and less concerned with holiness.


What does living holy really mean? What does having the glory of God shine through us truly mean?  Who is the Great I Am and why do we feel we have authority to choose how to live out our lives as if holiness is irrelevant?


So often I have heard statements of selfishness, pride, and comfort, but when will we start asking ourselves,


"How holy can I be for the sake of knowing the Lord?"


I recently heard a statement that claimed, "Christianity believes Jesus was sent to die on the cross to save us from the wrath of God.  But who is this God that we need to be saved from and is that really the type of God I want to worship?" This really surprised me because I feel it is obvious that if we would open our eyes to how holy God is, we would understand that it was our fault for separating ourselves from Him and even then He was loving enough to send His son to bridge the gap.  It is not that we need to be saved from His wrath, it is that we chose to be unholy and therefore cannot be one with a holy, glorious God.  That is why we need saving and purification. 


This is a glimpse at what has been on my heart.  I feel after much confusion and struggle in my spirit, I was reminded tonight that regardless of what I am being taught, that I must test it.  And sometimes, rebuke it.  I feel blessed to be granted the opportunity to go through a class that affirms why I so strongly believe what I believe.  But I also feel burdened that we have shaped God into something He is obviously not.  I feel hurt that we have twisted scriptures in order to satisfy our own desires when scripture makes it clear that when we choose Christ we choose the cross.


Yet in all of this, I feel blessed to have been led to the AZHOP to be united with other believers who also desire holiness and glory to consume their lives.  And as my time closes at APU in less than two months, I feel so grateful to be brought to this place.  I have learned so much and desire to continue having the tough conversations.  I just pray that we can remember...


 holiness will always overrule comfort.

Bridesmaids' Dresses Round Two.

Alright ladies, here we go again! You all deserve to look and feel beautiful, as well as have a dress you can love and wear again.  So I need votes! I am less concerned about color now and more concerned about finding a dress that we all love! Please give me feedback :) &if you don't like any of them, I am open to more suggestions!

Everything is Meaningless

I will be the first do admit that I need Jesus.  Everyday of my life I focus on how I can better become like Him, yet fail to come close.  My conversations are always about prayer, intimacy, scriptures, and how God works, but I find that when I am alone, He is the last person I spend time with.  I know about prayer, but I don't practice it.  I know I am supposed to have intimacy with God, but I feel so distant and unknown by the man called Jesus.

What is faith and why is it so difficult to find it in this world that seems fogged by false idols and hopes?

Recently, I have been experiencing things that make me feel so depressed and discouraged, it really emphasizes how I care about nothing except knowing God.  I just don't know how to know Him like I am supposed to.

I strongly believe there has to be a pursuit involved, even with the gift of grace.  I have to desire to receive and I have to pursue the one who is in turn pursuing me.  Yet everything that surrounds me suffocates me and I feel I have forgotten or maybe never even known how to pursue.  Is it truly this complex? Or is faith so simple and divine that as sinful beings all we know how to do is make it complicated...

Dear Broken Family...

With death there is life and with life there is death.

On Thursday morning, while others began their coffee pots and morning showers, I boarded a plane headed for the only place I wanted to be; the same place my husband to be was headed.  While he headed west, I headed east and on Thursday morning, we met in the middle of the United States and Denver International Airport.  I cannot tell you how anticipated this weekend had been.  Not only would we begin pre marital counseling and see each other after another long six weeks of life, but it marked one of the last visits before the wedding.  With visits being six to eight weeks apart and the wedding being only five months away, we knew this trip could only mean we are getting closer.

What I didn't expect though, was that I would leave on Monday afternoon feeling more broken, depressed, and discouraged than I have in a while.  And yet in the midst of those feelings, they would be accompanied with feelings of hope, confidence, and excitement.  God always seems to hit you hardest when you don't expect it.

A Letter to a Broken Family.

Dear Broken Family,

My name is Kayti and this past weekend I had the absolute privilege of attending a conference with my soon to be husband.  The conference was called Love and Respect and was put on by Emerson Eggerichs and his wife.  Years back they discovered a basic truth and principle that is so simple, yet so key to marriage.  Ever since, they have written books and traveled the world preaching the good news of God's restoration and hope for broken marriages and families.

I learned so much at this conference and I would really encourage you and any of your friends to read this book or listen to the principles of the Eggerichs' teachings.  They speak about the importance of love and respect in a household and how important it is for both concepts to team together.  If both principles are not present, than problems will begin to arise.

Women are created to love and to be loved where Men are created to respect and to be respected.

Neither are wrong, they are just different.

When a woman refuses to respect her husband, he typically will respond without love.

When a husband treats his wife without love, she will typically respond without respect.

You see how the cycle works?

As I was at this conference, I became encouraged for my future with my husband to be and excited to begin a journey of respecting him and all that he does for me.  You see, God did not create women to naturally understand respect.  With girlfriends, you never hear them fighting and saying, "You just don't respect me." Women desire to be appreciated, loved on, and have intimate conversations in order to feel close to others.  This is why it is such a Godly principle for women to learn to respect their husbands.  Men need to know that they are appreciated and respected for providing financially, protecting the family, remaining faithful to their wife, etc.  The proper response to a man getting a promotion in his job is not, "I love you so much because you work," but, "I respect you so much for all of the hard work you do and sacrifices you make for me." As a woman myself, this seems difficult to understand.  Why does, "I love you," not translate to, "I respect you?" But, as stated, men and women are created differently.  It is not wrong, just different.

In turn, when a man talks down to a women, he deflates her spirit.  Women are not guys and cannot be talked to like a man would talk to a man.  Most men, when they have conflicts with one another, don't sit for three hours discussing the problem.  They get over it and move on.  When a man does this to a woman though, she feels he is being unloving because he doesn't want to to talk through the problem.  Also, when a woman raises kids, holds a job, goes to school, etc. she needs to know that she is appreciated and noticed for her achievements.  Minimizing achievements, in the case of a man or woman, is just hurtful. Women need to be nurtured and loved on.

As my college pastor says, "Men are like thermoses and women are like goblets. Men can be thrown around while women shatter easily."

I understand that these are such tiny examples and that you may be thinking, "You don't know how my husband/wife/daughter/son/father/mother treats me and what we have been going through," and you are right, I don't know.  The point is though, my age and the fact that I am not married yet do not determine my wisdom in this area.  Experience is NOT what determines whether your marriage is successful.  Let me repeat. EXPERIENCE IS NOT WHAT DETERMINES WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SUCCESS.

Before I walk down the aisle, as of today, I have decided that 1. Divorce is not an option nor a word in my vocabulary and 2. I serve God and only God, not my family or my husband.

These decisions that I make now will not change when I am married and therefore do not determine wisdom in this area. God has called us to something and once we make that decision, there are not ifs, thens, or buts.  There is no door to exit my marriage or my family.

If you are wondering why I am sharing this small amount of information compared to the vast amount I learned this weekend, it is because, this weekend I witnessed life and death.

As we left the conference, I couldn't help but want to be alone to just weep.  Half of my heart was rejoicing because I am still able to apply these principles and begin my marriage off on the Godly path.  Half of my heart was crying tears of joy as I watched couples reunite together and have their first conversation in over ten years.  Half of my heart was praising the Lord because He was restoring broken families in the midst of my presence.  But half of my heart was broken and discouraged beyond repair because I saw that, for some couples, this news was not enough to overcome their selfishness.  Half of my heart wept tears of anguish for what marriage has become in the sight of the world.  Half of my heart felt angry and distressed that families no longer share dinner with one another, mothers feel unloved, fathers feel disrespected, children are disobedient, and silence rules the house. Half of my heart was, and still feels, broken.

In this conference, regardless of how God created men and women, I learned one important thing.

Marriage and relationships are not about me and they are all about me.  This means that, regardless of how Anthony treats me, once I have said my vows before God and the church, I have promised God to respect him and love him until the day I die.  Regardless of if I ever feel loved by my husband, father, mother, sisters, or brother, the Lord has called me to treat them in accordance to HIS WORD.  So, it is not about me, but it is all about me, because I am responsible for the way I treat people.

Unconditional respect triggers unconditional love and unconditional love triggers unconditional respect.

And if it doesn't? I will still respect and love unconditionally because I choose not to live by the standards of Hollywood, but by the standards of the Holy Word.

So, broken family, please reconsider closing off your relationships.  Whether it is deciding to not talk, filing divorce, emancipation, etc. remember that this is not about you and you are called not to quit, but to fight.

Love,

Praying for broken marriages and families